You're probably wondering, "What does all of this have to do with depression?" Well, I've moved 14 times. My parents are divorced and I have major anxiety, causing me to have trouble in school and with socialization in general. Right now, I am in a special program called Home Bound where a teacher comes to my house every day to bring me school work. Most people would probably think that it's heaven compared to normal school, since I'm a freshman. But I can tell you that even though the work load is lighter, the pressure is high since I have it all on me to do my work.
I lay in bed every night thinking that maybe tomorrow I can tell my mom and teacher that I'm ready to go back to school. It just never seems to happen. It's like my brain knows something that I don't, always subconsciously paranoid about every little thing. I want to go to school, but my body tells me that I can't. Sometimes, it's physically impossible for me to move. Other times, I burst into tears without warning.
For example, just a few weeks ago, my teacher was coming to my house and I heard the doorbell ring. Immediately, I ran to my mom's room and asked her to answer the door. She refused and told me to do it myself but I froze and tried to lock myself in her bathroom. My sister came in, after opening the door for my teacher and leaving her out in the living room. Both family members were looking at me like I was insane as I proceeded to collapse to the ground and sob into my arms. I was curled into a ball for some time, and just a reminder for you, I AM 15. My mom was trying to get me to go out and see my teacher, but I just couldn't bring myself to get up. My sister came down next to me and talked to me quietly while hugging me, trying to help.
Once I did find the strength somewhere in me, I went out, gave my teacher a hug, and she left my house. That was one of the worst days for me, since I really didn't know why I couldn't go out to see my teacher. I still don't know but as of today, I can force myself to sit with my teacher and do school work.
This all sounds like some plea for pity but honestly, I just want someone to know that I'm not just antisocial. I'm not just shy. I'm not even sure what's going on in my own head and maybe someday, I'll figure it out.
-Emma
I lay in bed every night thinking that maybe tomorrow I can tell my mom and teacher that I'm ready to go back to school. It just never seems to happen. It's like my brain knows something that I don't, always subconsciously paranoid about every little thing. I want to go to school, but my body tells me that I can't. Sometimes, it's physically impossible for me to move. Other times, I burst into tears without warning.
For example, just a few weeks ago, my teacher was coming to my house and I heard the doorbell ring. Immediately, I ran to my mom's room and asked her to answer the door. She refused and told me to do it myself but I froze and tried to lock myself in her bathroom. My sister came in, after opening the door for my teacher and leaving her out in the living room. Both family members were looking at me like I was insane as I proceeded to collapse to the ground and sob into my arms. I was curled into a ball for some time, and just a reminder for you, I AM 15. My mom was trying to get me to go out and see my teacher, but I just couldn't bring myself to get up. My sister came down next to me and talked to me quietly while hugging me, trying to help.
Once I did find the strength somewhere in me, I went out, gave my teacher a hug, and she left my house. That was one of the worst days for me, since I really didn't know why I couldn't go out to see my teacher. I still don't know but as of today, I can force myself to sit with my teacher and do school work.
This all sounds like some plea for pity but honestly, I just want someone to know that I'm not just antisocial. I'm not just shy. I'm not even sure what's going on in my own head and maybe someday, I'll figure it out.
-Emma
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